THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO CALLING OFF YOUR WEDDING OR ENGAGEMENT

Once you’ve decided that you need to call off your wedding, there’s a lot you need to take care of, including yourself. And so, I’ll start this guide off by sharing that I hope that you believe you’re going to be ok - because you will be. You’re going to get through this, and so is everyone else


As alone and overwhelmed as you may feel right now, try to keep in mind that you’re not the first bride or groom to cancel your wedding. However difficult the road up ahead may be, try to keep the perspective that you’re doing the right thing in the long-term, and that you are saving yourself (and your fiancé) a lot of heartache in the future.

 

 

Have you called off your wedding? Or are you considering it? If you need support, click the button below to learn more about my services.

 

 

For as long as people have been getting married, people have also been calling off weddings. The difference is that people don't like to talk about the latter - weddings are supposed to be joyous occasions, "the greatest day of your life," and "every woman's dream!" 

As a result, going through the process of canceling a wedding (or an engagement) can feel incredibly shameful and overwhelming.

But although weddings don't get called off frequently, it happens often enough that you'd think there would be some substantial resources readily available for such a heartbreaking and potentially traumatic experience.

And yet, I wasn't able to find many. The few I did find are listed at the bottom of this guide, and if you know of any others that you think should be added, please contact me and let me know.

It's my sincere hope this guide will be helpful to those who find themselves going through this challenging and emotionally painful experience.

How this guide came to be: the "taboo" topic of calling off a wedding

In 2017, a journalist contacted me for an interview on "How to call off a wedding" for a major national newspaper. Naturally, I said yes. 

Although I've been through the experience of breaking off an engagement, I haven't personally had to call off a wedding. However, as a breakup coach, I've worked with many clients who've told me they regretted getting married and ended their marriages years later

Over and over, I hear my clients say that a part of them knew they shouldn't get married. Even still, they went through with the wedding for various reasons - some felt too invested, some just couldn't imagine hurting their fiancé or their families, and others simply didn't know how to call it off.

Interestingly, almost all of them described having some sort of a small inner voice nagging at them that things weren't quite right 

In my research for how one would go about calling off a wedding, I turned to social media and posted this:  

How do you call off a wedding_.png

Perhaps I shouldn't have been so surprised at how little engagement my post would receive, but I was. I quickly learned that I had touched on something socially sensitive.

I'm pretty used to talking about taboo topics in my line of work, but this felt different.  It almost seemed that talking about calling off a wedding was even more taboo than talking about divorce.

However, in the days that followed, I began to receive several private messages. Some from people who had personally called off a wedding or broken off an engagement, and others who wanted to tell me how important they thought this topic was because they had personally gone through a wedding they regretted (they are all divorced now, by the way.)

As a result of these conversations, I dove deeper into this topic and discovered some helpful tools and developed a 3-step process that has been helpful to my clients and anyone else going through this experience.

Let’s get started …

My 3-step process for calling a wedding off with class

STEP 1: Taking care of you

In step 1, we begin by getting a handle on your emotional state and putting a supportive team in place before moving onto an action plan that guides you through all the necessary tasks in order of priority, quickly and efficiently.

STEP 2: Developing an action plan

In step 2, we outline all logistics (big and small) involved in canceling your wedding.

STEP 3: Creating your long-term recovery plan

In our final step, we explore how you can recover from the experience and deal with the many emotions (grief, sadness, fear, and more) associated with long-term healing.

 
 

 

If you’d like some support, click the button below to learn more about my services.

 

 

STEP 1: Taking care of you

Naturally, the more emotionally and financially invested you or others are in the wedding, the harder it is to actually call off a wedding.

Given that you're about to go through what many people call one of the worst experiences of their lives, you must, first and foremost, have a plan for your emotional well-being. The women and men I spoke with all described the "uncomfortable" feelings they went through – shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear, and of course, sadness. Many also shared that it felt isolating and overwhelming.

This is why it's essential that you focus on yourself and how you are feeling in the short-term. Now is not the time to worry about what everyone else (and their mother) will think. 

Here are some more specific steps you can follow below to take care of yourself. 

Manage your mindset

Once you've admitted the hard truth to yourself that you need to call off your wedding, you must manage your mindset and thoughts.

Managing your mindset starts with knowing, in your heart of hearts, that you will get through this and come out on the other side stronger, more self-assured, and ultimately happier (yes, happier) for having followed your heart

Start by using one of these affirmations (or make up one of you own) to repeat to yourself regularly and calm any worries you have:

  • I will be ok/everything will be ok/everyone will be ok

  • This too shall pass.

  • I am capable of getting through this.

  • I got this.

Select a confidant

Once you have calmed yourself down, think of who you can choose to be your trusted confidante throughout this process. I suggest you select someone you know to be open-minded, supportive, and as neutral as possible.

Often, it's best if this person isn't significantly invested emotionally or financially in the wedding. If you don't feel you have anyone, you may want to find a professional who can help you with this process (in which case, I do offer 20-minute introductory calls if you'd like someone to speak to).

And remember, you are not alone.

Get a team in place

From there, you'll want to get a team in place that'll help you with tasks such as calling your guests, contacting and visiting your vendors, or pouring you a glass (or two) of wine. Once you have this team in place, it's time to move onto step 2 and develop your action plan.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Unfortunately, some people have found that this small team may not include individuals you thought you could count on, such as your bridesmaids, family members, or close friends. For a variety of reasons, the topic of calling off a wedding can upset people. Because of this, they may not be supportive of your decision and may project their fears onto you and your situation (for example, if they're not 100% secure in their relationships). If this happens to you, try not to spend too much of your energy worrying about this. Trust that the right people will be there for you. 

STEP 2: Your action plan

The logistics and etiquette of calling off a wedding

Believe it or not, there is such a thing as etiquette for calling off a wedding. After consulting with several resources, here is a consolidated list of everything you will need to do. Depending on how close you are to the wedding date will impact the order of these next steps..

Make a master checklist

First things first, start by making a detailed list of all the vendors you need to contact. In case you need help, you can download my Master Checklist for Unplanning Your Wedding for a general list of vendors in order of urgency to get you started.

 
 

 

Want my master checklist for unplanning your wedding? Click the button below to access it right away.

 

 

Delivering the news to your guests

One of the most unpleasant (and urgent) parts of calling off a wedding is letting the guest list know.

Keep in mind that there is no need for lengthy explanations or apologies. "Weddings are canceled for all sorts of reasons, none of which should need to be measured or justified."

There are several ways to let your guests know. Here are a few examples that you can use to come up with one that's right for you:

  • "We regret to inform you that the wedding of X & X is canceled. We kindly request that you not contact us and ask questions as we go through this difficult time. We love our family and friends very much but request privacy at this time. We would like to extend our sincere apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused."

  • According to TheKnot, "If the invitations haven't yet gone out, a printed card should be sent out to the guests, worded similarly to the invitations, for example, Mr & Mrs. John Smith announce that the marriage of their daughter Suzy Q to John Smith will not take place."

  • Another example would be to mail out plain postcards with this simple sentence: "The wedding between John Smith and Suzy Q has been postponed indefinitely."

Other tips:

  • Even if you are sending out invitations to let your guests know the news, it's best to immediately call some of your guests, especially out-of-town guests, who may have already purchased plane tickets and booked a hotel. Divide up your list, and get your "team" to help you with this urgent task.

  • If the invitations have already gone out, it's advised that you call the guests as soon as possible.

  • One woman told me she prepared a "script" to use on phone calls for times she would get overly emotional.

Recovering some of your investment from vendors

Remember that your wedding is most likely not the first wedding that your vendors have experienced being canceled. According to several ex-brides and wedding planners, many vendors are willing to refund the deposits when it comes to calling off a wedding if they can do so without hurting their businesses. Getting a refund on deposits will depend on each vendor, and understandably the closer you are to the actual wedding date, the less likely you are to get your money back. 

However, keep in mind that the ex-brides I talked to who ended up losing as little as $1000 or as much as $20, 000 all said it was worth it in the end.

Toronto-based wedding planner, Laura Atendido shares this great advice on the importance of advocating for yourself:

"When calling off your wedding, approach vendors and ask for a renegotiated cancelation policy that states if they can rebook your date, all or part of your deposits are refunded. Some vendors are willing to do this. Clients need to advocate for themselves when canceling a contract to ensure wedding vendors don't overly profit from their cancelation (i.e., keeping all of the original clients' deposits and accepting a new client for the same date with full payment.)"

If you can't get a deposit back, see what you can do to "repurpose" your credit with a vendor – for example, you could use the photographer for a photoshoot (perhaps for that new business you've always wanted to start). For the cases and cases of wine you've reserved, another woman shared that "[m]y family enjoyed the cases of wedding wine with dinner for years."

What to do with the ring? 

Two other major topics that often come up have to do with what to do with the engagement ring and the wedding dress. Although these are complicated topics, general guidelines do exist.

What to do with an engagement ring after a wedding has been called off has a lot to do with the circumstances of who broke off the commitment since an engagement ring is given in exchange for the bride-to-be, promising her hand in marriage. 

Generally speaking, if the bride-to-be breaks the engagement or calls off a wedding, it's appropriate to give the ring back. And if the groom-to-be calls it off, it's up to the bride-to-be to decide if she wants to give the ring back since she may not want the reminder.

However, if the ring is a family heirloom, it should be returned regardless of who has called off the wedding. 

But again, these are general guidelines that may not include extenuating circumstances.

What to do with your dress?

The topic of what to do with the wedding dress is a very personal decision. There is no "right" way to handle it. 

That said, I would argue that deciding what to do with the dress greatly depends on your emotional connection to it. If you picked out the dress because YOU absolutely loved it, it feels like yours, and you don't necessarily associate it with your ended relationship – then, by all means, keep it!

Many of the ex-brides I spoke with actually told me that they still had their dresses and were planning on potentially wearing it at their next wedding! 

But if the thought and sight of your dress are emotionally painful, then you may consider one of these ways to let your dress go: 

  • Sell your dress at a consignment store

  • Sell your dress at a sample sale

  • Give your dress to charity

Burn it! (Although burning wedding dresses is a trend that is more common amongst divorcees, some ex-brides who harbor negative energy toward their ex-fiancé may choose to participate in this ritual. Many cultures believe that when you burn something, you release all the negative energy associated with it.)

STEP 3: Your long-term recovery plan

Once you have dealt with your action plan's urgent and time-sensitive tasks, it's time to focus on emotionally processing your experience. 

Since calling off a wedding most often includes the ending of a relationship, this experience can be one of "layered grief," where you are also dealing with the loss of your partner and the public experience. As such, you must take the best care of yourself possible while you are mourning your losses

It's natural to feel down and somewhat depressed after you call off your wedding. Because of this, ensuring you have the right support is essential, whether from friends, family, or a professional such as a therapist if you feel traumatized by the experience or a coach to help you navigate this new life transition. 

As a breakup coach myself, I understand that recovery takes time ‒ but how long, you might ask? Although there is no mathematical equation for heartache, on average, I believe it can take six months to a year to fully recover if you follow through on your grief work, focus on building your new life, and continue to believe in love.

Although this section is a short, simplified guide of all your options, I wanted to leave you with a few strategies for your long-term healing.

Practice radical self-care

I always encourage people going through the aftermath of a romantic situation to practice "radical" self-care. By "radical," I mean that taking care of you becomes your number one priority for a while. And no, this is not selfish! 

Of course, you may still have to work and take care of other things, but outside of your responsibilities, your number one job is to take care of yourself – mind, body, and soul. 

This may include getting a great coach or therapist, going to yoga, journaling, meditating, taking yourself on a trip, starting that hobby you always wanted to learn – whatever it is that makes you feel good! 

Work on becoming your own best friend and ask yourself what your older, wiser self might tell you twenty-years down the road. More than likely, you'd tell yourself to take things day-by-day and trust that things will work out in your favor.


It's also crucial that you allow yourself to feel your feelings in the months that follow, and focus on doing what you can to build a new life you love.

Embrace your romantic grief

Romantic grief is different from what we traditionally think of as grief, but it's still grief. So often, after a breakup, separation, or divorce, I hear people say that they feel like someone died. And although no one has died, your relationship as an entity has (most likely) ended and thus "died" in its own way.

After my broken engagement, I read a couple of books on grief that I found extremely helpful. At the time, I thought it might seem a bit extreme or odd to others. But I now understand that this was a natural and logical feeling since grief is the natural human expression of loss. 

However, in our death-phobic culture, most people have not learned about grief or how to grieve. So if you haven't dealt with much loss in your life, you may find it helpful to learn more about coping with grief.


And above all, know that your feelings of loss are real and natural – allow yourself to mourn and let your grief heal you.

Protect your social environment

After calling off a wedding (or the ending of any relationship), it's essential to protect your social environment to recover. 

It's sad to say, but your social circle may be disrupted by the calling off of your wedding since some of your couple-friends or soon-to-be-married friends may have a hard time relating to your situation. 


If this is the case, try your best not to write them off. Instead, give the friendship some space and move towards other social circles. And if you don't have many other friends, then now is the right time to build a new social circle. One of the best ways to do that is to begin a new hobby and meet people in that natural setting.


Final Notes: Life after calling it off

In addition to the sadness that women and men feel after calling off a wedding, most people report feeling a great sense of empowerment after calling off their wedding. 

These women describe experiencing an inner drive to do something they have always wanted to do. One of the women I talked to said, "[b]efore the wedding I was doing things I thought I should be doing, and now I'm doing things I want to be doing." A short eight months after calling off her wedding, she's now planning a big trip to South-East Asia to plan out her life's next steps.

Having worked with many people after a breakup or separation, I'm not surprised to hear this. Very often, after a significant ending of a relationship, many people turn their lives around and do something they've always wanted to do in big and small ways. In other words, it's ok to embrace this feeling and use its energy to do something new and exceptional in your life.

Finding new love 

A lot of people wonder about dating after calling off a wedding. 

While dating may not be at the top of your mind right now, in time, you'll be ready to open your heart to a new love. Above all, no matter how much your heart may hurt right now, try to continue to believe in love

I can tell you from experience, that if you work on taking care of yourself and putting yourself out there and opening your heart, you will find new love in the future.

 
 
 

 
 

Resources

Listed here are a handful of resources I came across in my research: 

Why Calling Off My Wedding Was The Best Decision I Ever Made A Practical Wedding

Calling It Off: Etiquette Q&A The Knot

How to unplan your wedding The Toronto Star

 

 

Have you called off your wedding? Or are you considering it? If you need support, click the button below to learn more about my services.

Or read more about my breakup, recoupling, or dating strategy services