THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO CALLING OFF YOUR WEDDING OR ENGAGEMENT

Delivering the news to your guests

One of the most unpleasant (and urgent) parts of calling off a wedding is letting the guest list know.

Keep in mind that there is no need for lengthy explanations or apologies. "Weddings are canceled for all sorts of reasons, none of which should need to be measured or justified."

There are several ways to let your guests know. Here are a few examples that you can use to come up with one that's right for you:

• "We regret to inform you that the wedding of X & X is canceled. We kindly request that you not contact us and ask questions as we go through this difficult time. We love our family and friends very much but request privacy at this time. We would like to extend our sincere apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused."

• According to The Knot, "If the invitations haven't yet gone out, a printed card should be sent out to the guests, worded similarly to the invitations, for example, Mr & Mrs. John Smith announce that the marriage of their daughter Suzy Q to John Smith will not take place."

• Another example would be to mail out plain postcards with this simple sentence: "The wedding between John Smith and Suzy Q has been postponed indefinitely."

Other tips:

• Even if you are sending out invitations to let your guests know the news, it's best to immediately call some of your guests, especially out-of-town guests, who may have already purchased plane tickets and booked a hotel. Divide up your list, and get your "team" to help you with this urgent task.

• If the invitations have already gone out, it's advised that you call the guests as soon as possible.

• One woman told me she prepared a "script" to use on phone calls for times she would get overly emotional.

Recovering some of your investment from vendors

Remember that your wedding is most likely not the first wedding that your vendors have experienced being canceled. According to several ex-brides and wedding planners, many vendors are willing to refund the deposits when it comes to calling off a wedding if they can do so without hurting their businesses. Getting a refund on deposits will depend on each vendor, and understandably the closer you are to the actual wedding date, the less likely you are to get your money back. 

However, keep in mind that the ex-brides I talked to who ended up losing as little as $1000 or as much as $20, 000 all said it was worth it in the end.

Toronto-based wedding planner, Laura Atendido shares this great advice on the importance of advocating for yourself:

"When calling off your wedding, approach vendors and ask for a renegotiated cancelation policy that states if they can rebook your date, all or part of your deposits are refunded. Some vendors are willing to do this. Clients need to advocate for themselves when canceling a contract to ensure wedding vendors don't overly profit from their cancelation (i.e., keeping all of the original clients' deposits and accepting a new client for the same date with full payment.)"

If you can't get a deposit back, see what you can do to "repurpose" your credit with a vendor – for example, you could use the photographer for a photoshoot (perhaps for that new business you've always wanted to start). For the cases and cases of wine you've reserved, another woman shared that "[m]y family enjoyed the cases of wedding wine with dinner for years."

What to do with the ring? 

Two other major topics that often come up have to do with what to do with the engagement ring and the wedding dress. Although these are complicated topics, general guidelines do exist.

What to do with an engagement ring after a wedding has been called off has a lot to do with the circumstances of who broke off the commitment since an engagement ring is given in exchange for the bride-to-be, promising her hand in marriage. 

Generally speaking, if the bride-to-be breaks the engagement or calls off a wedding, it's appropriate to give the ring back. And if the groom-to-be calls it off, it's up to the bride-to-be to decide if she wants to give the ring back since she may not want the reminder.

However, if the ring is a family heirloom, it should be returned regardless of who has called off the wedding. 

But again, these are general guidelines that may not include extenuating circumstances.

What to do with your dress?

The topic of what to do with the wedding dress is a very personal decision. There is no "right" way to handle it. 

That said, I would argue that deciding what to do with the dress greatly depends on your emotional connection to it. If you picked out the dress because YOU absolutely loved it, it feels like yours, and you don't necessarily associate it with your ended relationship – then, by all means, keep it!

Many of the ex-brides I spoke with actually told me that they still had their dresses and were planning on potentially wearing it at their next wedding! 

But if the thought and sight of your dress are emotionally painful, then you may consider one of these ways to let your dress go: 

• Sell your dress at a consignment store

• Sell your dress at a sample sale

• Give your dress to charity

Burn it! (Although burning wedding dresses is a trend that is more common amongst divorcees, some ex-brides who harbor negative energy toward their ex-fiancé may choose to participate in this ritual. Many cultures believe that when you burn something, you release all the negative energy associated with it.)

STEP 3: Your long-term recovery plan

Once you have dealt with your action plan's urgent and time-sensitive tasks, it's time to focus on emotionally processing your experience. 

Since calling off a wedding most often includes the ending of a relationship, this experience can be one of "layered grief," where you are also dealing with the loss of your partner and the public experience. As such, you must take the best care of yourself possible while you are mourning your losses. 

It's natural to feel down and somewhat depressed after you call off your wedding. Because of this, ensuring you have the right support is essential, whether from friends, family, or a professional such as a therapist if you feel traumatized by the experience or a coach to help you navigate this new life transition. 

As a breakup coach myself, I understand that recovery takes time ‒ but how long, you might ask? Although there is no mathematical equation for heartache, on average, I believe it can take six months to a year to fully recover if you follow through on your grief work, focus on building your new life, and continue to believe in love.

Although this section is a short, simplified guide of all your options, I wanted to leave you with a few strategies for your long-term healing.

Practice radical self-care

I always encourage people going through the aftermath of a romantic situation to practice "radical" self-care. By "radical," I mean that taking care of you becomes your number one priority for a while. And no, this is not selfish! 

Of course, you may still have to work and take care of other things, but outside of your responsibilities, your number one job is to take care of yourself – mind, body, and soul. 

This may include getting a great coach or therapist, going to yoga, journaling, meditating, taking yourself on a trip, starting that hobby you always wanted to learn – whatever it is that makes you feel good! 

Work on becoming your own best friend and ask yourself what your older, wiser self might tell you twenty-years down the road. More than likely, you'd tell yourself to take things day-by-day and trust that things will work out in your favor.

It's also crucial that you allow yourself to feel your feelings in the months that follow, and focus on doing what you can to build a new life you love.

Embrace your romantic grief

Romantic grief is different from what we traditionally think of as grief, but it's still grief. So often, after a breakup, separation, or divorce, I hear people say that they feel like someone died. And although no one has died, your relationship as an entity has (most likely) ended and thus "died" in its own way.

After my broken engagement, I read a couple of books on grief that I found extremely helpful. At the time, I thought it might seem a bit extreme or odd to others. But I now understand that this was a natural and logical feeling since grief is the natural human expression of loss. 

However, in our death-phobic culture, most people have not learned about grief or how to grieve. So if you haven't dealt with much loss in your life, you may find it helpful to learn more about coping with grief.

And above all, know that your feelings of loss are real and natural – allow yourself to mourn and let your grief heal you.

Protect your social environment

After calling off a wedding (or the ending of any relationship), it's essential to protect your social environment to recover. 

It's sad to say, but your social circle may be disrupted by the calling off of your wedding since some of your couple-friends or soon-to-be-married friends may have a hard time relating to your situation. 

If this is the case, try your best not to write them off. Instead, give the friendship some space and move towards other social circles. And if you don't have many other friends, then now is the right time to build a new social circle. One of the best ways to do that is to begin a new hobby and meet people in that natural setting.