How to Get Your Ex Back in 3 Steps

So you just went through a break-up or divorce, and you want to get your ex back. Whether it’s been hours or months since everything fell apart, you know what you want and just need a way to get back together. 

Or so you think. 

See, getting back with your ex is the right move in only 10-20% of cases. 

Although this may not be what you want to hear post-breakup, it’s the truth — and one that can save you a lot of heartache as you navigate your recovery and next steps when trying to get them back. 

In this article, you’ll learn how to discern if getting back with your ex is, in fact, the right thing. And if it is, I’ll share how to do it in a way that works (and that I’ve used personally with hundreds of clients). 

(Note: this entire article is based on my 3-Step Conscious Recoupling Process. To learn more about this process and see how I use it to help clients, take a look at my Conscious Recoupling page here.) 

Step 1: Review your relationship to determine its strengths, its weaknesses, and the likelihood of a successful reconciliation

Your first step is to assess the “health” of your relationship to determine if you’re making the right choice to try to get your ex back. But how are you supposed to do that? 

Well, there are a lot of ways you can go about doing this. But I prefer to use my tried-and-true 6Cs Relationship Assessment to figure it out. 

In this assessment, you’ll score yourself (and your partner) on 6 key areas that are essential to any loving, fulfilling, and sustainable relationship. As you do this, you’ll also want to factor in the relationship’s challenges (problems with communication, a breach of trust, mismatched desires, etc.) and assets (many years together, lots of mutual respect and love remaining, still in contact despite the breakup, etc.) 

Note that whether you love this person is not the only thing considered in the assessment.

And why is that? 

Because, put simply, love is not enough.

A healthy relationship is also dependant on:

• Connection  

• Character

• Communication

• Commitment

• Compatibility

• Circumstances 

To learn more about why love alone isn’t enough to sustain a relationship and dig a little deeper into each of these 6Cs, you can read my article about it here. 

(Or if you really want to dive deeply into this, get access to the actual assessment I use with clients, and then learn how to make sense of your results, then my Conscious Recoupling Masterclass may be of interest to you.) 

As you’re doing your review, you’ll also want to take the time to think on which of these six most common reasons for breaking up was responsible for yours (especially because some of these reasons are much harder to repair than others). 

These include: 

1. Loss of Feelings (this reason is the hardest to repair)

2. Communication (this reason is the most common)

3. Conflict Resolution

4. Money Issues 

5. Sexual Issues 

6. Loss of Trust 

Going through this step will allow you to develop a clear picture of your relationship’s health, the roots of why you want your ex back, and how likely a reconciliation really is.  

Step 2: Repair your relationship by understanding what went wrong in the past & how you can fix it (via an exploration into attachment theory)

We’ve seen it, and we’ve been there ourselves. A new relationship begins, and it’s fun, light, and perfect—the honeymoon phase. In the sweet beginning, both parties are securely attached in the relationship. 

(Note: to learn more about what I mean by “securely attached,” read my article on Attachment Theory here. Because step 2 here is all about taking the time to understand your core attachment style and that of your partner. And if you’re not familiar with Attachment Theory already, I promise you it’ll permanently change your life and the way you view relationships.) 

In short, Attachment Theory is the idea that everyone’s brain is wired for one of three attachment styles—secure, anxious, or avoidant—and this explains a lot about how and why we behave the way we do in romantic relationships.

So, at the beginning of a new relationship, both partners are securely attached. Neither one is too invested, and a sense of newness and novelty is at its peak. But as the relationship evolves and feelings deepen, anxious or avoidant attachment styles can begin to appear.

This may look like an anxious person leaning in, then activating an avoidant person in leaning away. Or an avoidant person leaning away and activating an anxious one to lean in. These two dynamics are usually when people break up.

For example, a client of mine dated a guy for 3-4 months and was having a blast. But as soon as she inquired about their relationship status and if they were officially dating, he immediately pulled away and became avoidant. This triggered her anxious attachment style, which showed up in the form of countless phone calls and texts. Then, he broke up with her. 

In actuality, they were in a relationship already. But something about the label triggered his avoidant attachment style and made him feel overwhelmed.

The thing is, when you don’t know your attachment style, it’s hard to pinpoint your patterns in relationships and navigate the attachment style of others. Having mismatched attachment styles is a very common cause of breakups. So by learning about your personal attachment style and tendencies, you can develop an understanding of why you chose the partner you did in the first place, why it did (or didn’t work out), and how you can evolve to become more secure-functioning and find long-term relationship harmony. 

As you begin exploring attachment theory, it’s also worth taking some time to look inward and determine why you want to get your ex back in the first place. 

What are they filling in your life, and what is lacking now that they’re gone? Is it just activation of your anxious attachment system or something truly deeper? 

This internal processing is something I guide my clients through before we even start talking about a plan to get their ex back. That way, when they put in the effort to win them back, they’re confident and coming from a secure and healthy place, not one of desperation or reluctance. 

Efforts to win an ex back from a place of anxious or avoidant attachment are destined to fail.

To learn more, here is my article on Attachment Theory.