Why Love is Never Enough | The 7 Cs of Lasting Relationships
The 7 Main Reasons People Breakup or Stay Together
Love is essential—but it’s not everything in the long run.
Over the last decade of coaching, I’ve identified seven key elements that determine whether a relationship thrives or falls apart.
These “7 Cs” have become a foundational tool in my practice, which I call the “7 Cs Relationship Assessment,” for clients seeking to make sense of various relationship challenges.
I conduct this assessment to assist my clients in various ways, whether they’re seeking closure after a breakup, considering initiating a breakup, or aiming to repair and strengthen their relationship. The 7 Cs provide a psychologically grounded lens for clarity.
Let’s walk through them.
1. CONNECTION (aka Love, Attachment, Addiction)
This is the first C in my relationship assessment for a reason: connection is fundamental to any romantic relationship. Yet, not all connections are created equal. Some are grounded in healthy love and secure attachment. Others mimic connection but are actually rooted in anxious attachment, fear, need, or addiction.
It’s important to consider whether or not the other person truly loves you and wants to be with you, and whether or not you really love and want to be with this other person. You’d be surprised at how often I hear of people reluctantly staying in relationships that may have run its course out of a sense of duty or a fear of moving on.
Or if you’re the one who is clinging to a relationship, but your partner or ex has fallen out of love with you, lost the spark, or simply doesn’t want to be with you anymore, I would encourage you to ask yourself:
Why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me?
Not only is this it a waste of your precious time, but it will inevitably break your own heart trying to force a connection that has faded or was never there. My article on why it’s difficult to break up with your partner may provide you with more insight into this common dynamic.
It's a hard truth, but a necessary one. A one-sided connection erodes your self-worth and delays healing. You’re better off putting your efforts into moving on and finding the love that you truly deserve.
Evaluating the quality of your connection is paramount, as even mutual love isn’t always enough if the connection has been compromised by other missing Cs.
2. CHARACTER
The second C is yours and your partner’s character. Although we all have positive and negative character traits, three non-negotiables in any emotionally healthy relationship are trust, respect, and compassion.
If any of these character traits have been negatively impacted throughout your relationship and have not been “repaired” with loving, effective communication over time, this may erode the overall relationship.
We can learn a lot about someone’s character by the quality of their relationships, although intimate relationships come with their unique challenges.
3. COMMITMENT
Are you and your partner committed to navigating the ups and downs of life together? Are you both all in?
100% commitment is the quiet power behind lasting love. It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about showing up again and again, especially when things get hard.
Commitment to work on your relationship by regularly expressing your needs and meeting your partner's, in addition to working through life’s challenges as they arise.
When both partners are truly committed, there’s emotional safety. You both know: We’re in this. We’ll work through it.
But when one or both of you are ambivalent, the foundation begins to crack. Insecurity grows. And eventually, so does the emotional distance.
4. COMMUNICATION
Communication is the #1 issue I see with nearly every couple. However, the good news is that it’s a skill set that’s learnable.
Most of us weren’t taught how to communicate effectively, especially under stress. Without clear, compassionate communication, even great relationships unravel.
It doesn’t necessarily need to be a deal-breaker unless you or your partner is unwilling to work on it.
The keys to growth? Vulnerability. Owning your feelings. Listening with curiosity instead of defensiveness.
5. COMPATIBILITY
Compatibility is more than just having things in common. It’s about alignment in the areas that matter most, including core values, life goals (such as kids, marriage, money, and location), sexual compatibility, and personality.
You don’t need to be identical—but your differences need to be compatible, or at the very least workable. For example, you and your partner don’t need to have the same core values (that’s highly unlikely anyway), but they do need to be compatible for both of you to be fulfilled.
Even if you have a personal value that seems to conflict, it may be possible to work through this challenge with loving communication. For example, if you are family-oriented but your partner feels overwhelmed by frequent family occasions, perhaps you can both agree on the most important events for them to attend.
It is possible to co-create a life that honors you both, but only if there’s willingness, respect, and adaptability.
Unfortunately, compatibility is another very common reason for breakups. Typical areas of incompatibility I routinely see include the issue of whether or not to have children, getting married, and other lifestyle choices, such as how to spend money or where to live.
If you are incompatible in a fundamental way, it may be worth exploring the profound impact this may have on your lives in the long term.
6. COMPLACENCY
Complacency happens slowly. It’s not loud or dramatic—it’s quiet. A slow erosion of curiosity, affection, and intentionality.
You stop asking questions. You stop reaching for each other. You assume they’ll always be there.
If your relationship has lost its spark, ask:
Have I or my partner been taking one another for granted?
Have we stopped growing together?
What would it look like to re-engage with fresh eyes?
Complacency doesn’t mean the love is gone. However, it does mean the relationship needs to be revitalized. With my recoupling clients, I often work with them to reawaken connection by rebuilding intention, novelty, and desire, with psychological safety at the core.
Relationships are living systems. When we stop tending to them, they wilt. But with attention and the right conditions, they can become alive again.
7. CIRCUMSTANCES
Sometimes the relationship is strong—but life gets in the way.
This “C” includes all external circumstances, such as the timing of your relationship, emotional capacity, family issues, ex-partners, work stress, finances, illness, and long-distance relationships, among others.
Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum. Life context matters. Even with all the other Cs intact, circumstances can put tremendous stress on couples and create cracks that love alone can’t sustain.
Breakups that are primarily due to circumstances beyond our control often feel unfair, and can be extremely painful to accept when we’re strong in the other Cs.
So… Should You Stay Together or Break Up?
This framework isn’t about “judging” your relationship—it’s about understanding it.
I encourage you to be honest with yourself about the current state of these seven areas in your relationship and evaluate whether you think these are areas that can be improved.
If you’re both willing, many of these areas can be worked through and strengthened with effective communication and compassion. Tools from my Conscious Recoupling method can support couples looking to repair and rebuild their relationships with intention.
However, other areas, such as Connection and Character, are much harder to course correct. For example, if you’re aligned on all the Cs except for Connection, it may seem unreasonable to consider a breakup when the relationship is so good overall. But without the ingredient of connection, the sense of settling can be overwhelming.
If several Cs are compromised or missing, and you or your partner isn’t willing to do the work to attempt to improve them, it might be time to cometo terms with the limitations of your relationship. And while a breakup may be painful, in the long run, it will save you time, energy, and unnecessary heartache.
Is It Possible to Have It All?
If you’re asking yourself if it’s even possible to have all 7Cs in your relationship, you’re not alone. I’m often asked this by people who’ve never experienced such love.
And the truth is - yes, you can. It’s not a fantasy. They’re the essentials that the happiest and most fulfilled relationships embody—and they are achievable.
Relationships with all 7 Cs feel secure, peaceful, and are deeply fulfilling. They’re not perfect, but they are aligned. You feel seen, safe, and supported—not just loved, but met.
Whether or not it seems possible at the present moment, know that you’re not asking for too much.
You are capable, worthy, and deserving of a love like this.
Ready to Explore Your Relationship Through the 7 Cs?
Whether you're struggling in your current relationship, trying to move on from a breakup, or considering attempting reconciliation, this assessment can offer profound clarity for your unique relationship.
Let’s talk about where you are now, and where you want to be. You don’t have to figure this out alone.
