Why Love is Never Enough | The 6 Cs of Love
Over the last few years, I’ve identified six primary reasons why couples break up. Subsequently, these are also the six essential elements couples need to have a loving, and fulfilling relationship.
The 6 Main Reasons People Breakup or Stay Together
The six reasons, or “the 6 Cs,” as I often refer to them, can be used to make sense of many relationship challenges.
I often work an assessment I’ve developed based on these 6Cs to help my clients in a variety of ways:
To help broken-hearted clients get closure by better understanding why their relationship ended so, they can move on with more ease.
To help clients decide whether or not they should initiate a breakup, aka discernment counseling.
To help couples identify areas that are stressing their relationships so that they can work on strengthing their relationship.
1. CONNECTION (aka Love, Attachment, Addiction)
Do you and your partner or ex-partner have a strong connection, whether it be real love, an attachment bond, or even a sort of addiction?
Connection is the first C because a genuine two-way connection is vital to making a relationship work.
It’s important to consider whether or not this person truly loves you and wants to be with you, and whether or not you really love and want to be with this other person.
You’d be surprised at how often I hear of people reluctantly staying in relationships that may have run its course out of a sense of duty or a fear of moving on.
Or, if you are the one who is in love, but your partner or ex has fallen out of love with you, lost the spark, or simply does not want to be with you anymore, I would encourage you to ask yourself:
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Not only is it a waste of your precious time, but it will break your own heart trying to force a connection that isn’t there.
I know it’s hard to hear, but you are best to put your effort into moving on and finding the love that you truly deserve.
Also, take into consideration that the quality of a connection is important.
Some connections are based on the natural bond that forms over time, or perhaps it’s based more on a sense of need, almost like an addiction.
It’s also important to note that you may have lost a connection you once had, as a result of one or more of the other Cs being strained over time.
2. CHARACTER
The second C to consider is your and your partner’s character. Although we all have positive and negative character traits, the three character traits that are essential to any healthy relationship are trust, respect, and compassion.
If any of these character traits have been negatively impacted throughout your relationship, and not “repaired” with loving, effective communication, over time, this may erode the relationship.
Whether or not you and your partner/ex have a history of maintaining healthy relationships is often a good sign of character. Do they have healthy relationships with their family members, friends, co-workers, etc.?
Yet, although we can learn a lot about someone’s character by the quality of their relationships, intimate relationships come with their unique challenges.
3. 100% COMMITMENT
Are you and your partner committed to weathering the ups and downs of life?
ALL relationships take ongoing work, so an essential ingredient of any healthy long-term relationship is 100% commitment.
Commitment to work through life’s challenges as they arise, to be vulnerable and express your needs and concerns, to work on your relationship, etc.
When you have a true sense of commitment in your relationship, you can feel safe and secure knowing that you and your partner can get through anything because you know that you are both willing to do what it takes to make your relationship work. No matter what.
However, when you or your partner are not truly committed, the impact will be that you or your partner will feel insecure and worry that the relationship is fragile. This provokes damaging thoughts and behaviours.
4. COMMUNICATION
Communication is the number one challenge that comes up in almost all my sessions with my clients.
I believe this speaks to the fact that the majority of people were never taught how to have effective communication, especially in stressful situations.
When couples eventually break up, it was either because there was a break down in their communication or because they never had effective communication skills in the first place.
The good news is that effective communicating is a skillset that can be learned, so it doesn’t necessarily need to be a deal-breaker unless you or your partner is unwilling to work on it.
One of the biggest challenges of effective communication is that it requires you to take full responsibility for your feelings and be vulnerable. Yes, vulnerable. I know it back be challenging, but remember vulnerability is sexy!
And if you need a vulnerability pep-talk, check out this fantastic TedTalk by Brene Brown.
5. COMPATIBILITY
Compatibility is another common reason for breakups, and this includes personal values, life goals, lifestyle, sexual preferences, etc.
It’s important to note the importance of compatibility versus sameness.
For example, you and your partner don’t need to have the same core values (that’s highly unlikely anyway), but they do need to be compatible for you both to be fulfilled.
Even if you have a personal value that does seem to conflict, it may be possible to work through this challenge with loving communication. For example, if you are family-oriented but your partner feels overwhelmed by frequent family occasions, perhaps you can both agree on the most important events for them to attend.
You can create win-win opportunities.
Typical areas of incompatibility I routinely see are the issue of whether or not to have children, to get married, family issues, and lifestyle choices such as how to spend money or where to live.
If you are incompatible in a fundamental way, it may be worth exploring the impact this may have on your lives.
6. CIRCUMSTANCES
Last but not least is the category of life circumstances. This includes the timing of your relationship, family issues, work stress, finances, illness, long-distance, etc.
The interesting thing about this breakup reason is that you can have all the above five Cs, but if there is an external force stressing your relationship, it may be enough of a reason to break up.
Relationships are not isolated entities; they take place in the context of their social environment.
This breakup reason can be one of the most painful to accept, especially if the relationship is excelling in many or all other areas.
Should you break up?
Coming to terms with the limitations of your relationship may be painful, but in the long run, it will save you time, energy, and unnecessary heart-ache.
I would encourage you to be honest with the current state of these six areas in your relationship, and evaluate for yourself whether these are areas you think can be worked on — such as communication.
However, know that other areas, such as connection and character, are much harder to course correct.
For example, if you feel you have all the Cs except the connection you want, it may seem crazy to consider a breakup when the relationship is so good overall.
But without the ingredient of connection, the sense of settling can be overwhelming.
Can you have it all?
If you’re asking yourself if it’s even possible to have all 6Cs in your relationship, you’re not alone.
I’ve often asked this by people who’ve never experienced such love. And the truth is - yes, you can!
When you’re in a relationship that has all 6Cs present, the experience is one of true love, ease, and deep fulfillment.
Whether or not it seems possible at the present moment, know that you are capable, worthy, and deserving of a love like this.