How to Break Up With Love
Breakups are a part of life. In the same way losing a job that wasn’t a great fit can be a blessing, so is a breakup. Yes, it’s going to be hard and it’s going to be sad, but it’s also going to be liberating (in the long run) and will give you peace of mind.
Being broken up with–whether it be from a long-term relationship or just a few dates–can be both heartbreaking and confusing. But what about the person initiating the breakup?
The current social paradigm of breaking up with someone is that it is unpleasant and even cruel, so all too often breakup “initiators” don’t get much sympathy or compassion.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
If you make the effort to break up in the healthiest way, once the dust has settled, your ex may actually respect you for how you handled it and you’ll even feel proud of how you handled it as well.
Since it’s rare that both people in a relationship will be on the same page about breaking up, breakups are often difficult. It’s my mission as a Breakup Coach to help make them even a little bit better.
Given that we will all have several significant relationships throughout our lifetimes, it’s imperative that we develop the skill set of breaking up well. Here is some of my best advice on how to initiate a breakup with respect, compassion, and yes, even love.
7 Tips to Properly End a Relationship
THINK LONG TERM
Many people who want to initiate a breakup are overwhelmed and clouded by short-term circumstances.
They don’t want to have difficult conversations, and they are often paralyzed by just the thought of hurting their partner. And yet, this type of thinking is extremely limited.
Try instead to reframe breaking up with your partner as something respectful and necessary, both for you and the other person.
I truly believe that the most loving thing that we can do is to let someone go so that they’re able to find someone who truly wants to be with them.
2. START COMMUNICATING
The best way you can attempt to soften the blow of a breakup is through communication.
I encourage my clients who are having doubts to begin to introduce these conversations into their relationships so that their partner doesn’t feel blindsided or as if the breakup came out of nowhere.
The hardest breakups happen when people don’t see it coming at all.
But with a series of conversations, the person will be more prepared as they integrate the information and they will begin to emotionally prepare.
3. MAKE SURE YOU’RE SURE
I know it can be very difficult to be 100% sure, but it’s critical that you’re as sure as possible so that you don’t experience regrets later or in the worst-case scenario, realize you made the wrong decision.
Being certain is important because it’s really hard to take back a breakup because some trust is lost.
And although in some cases a relationship can be restored, it takes a lot of strategic effort and dedication to get a relationship back on track.
4. THINK ABOUT WHEN & WHERE TO DO IT
There’s never a good time to break someone’s heart, but there are better times than others. Usually, I would recommend someone not to break up with anyone before anything really important, such as a trip or the start of a new job.
I often suggest initiating a breakup conversation on an early Friday evening so that the breakup-ee has the weekend to process it. And if they need to, they can extend their weekend into Monday and take a long weekend to recover.
Do it in a safe space for them, perhaps at their home or your shared home instead of somewhere public in case they emotionally break down. However, if you’re worried about your safety, then make sure to do it in a public place such as the coffee shop.
5. LET THEM DOWN GENTLY, BUT FIRMLY
Make sure to give them concrete reasons for why you want to break up with them, but don’t put the blame on them. One of the best things you can do for your partner is to offer them as much closure as possible, to let them know (to the best of your ability) what wasn’t working for you.
Keep the conversation short and direct, and let them know when you’ll be leaving. This will give them an opportunity to ask questions, but also prevent the conversation rolling.
6. HANDLE THE AFTERMATH
As the initiator, I would encourage you to take the lead in handling the logistics of the split, especially if you live together. In which case, I would also recommend spending a few nights elsewhere.
Regarding social media, it’s helpful to let them know that you’ll be disconnecting from them on social media to give you both time to heal.
And if you have common circles of friends, share the news with a few key people that really need to know, and then let them tell others or simply let your acquaintances figure it out in time.
7. ALLOW YOURSELF TO HEAL & MOVE ON
Ending a relationship is not easy, and most of the time the social sympathy goes to the person who’s been broken up with.
However, the breakup initiator equally deserves support and encouragement to process the ending of this relationship.
Even if no one else gives you the support you need, give it to yourself. Take care of yourself, lean on your friends, talk to a professional, etc.
The fact that you initiated the breakup doesn’t take away from your experience of loss. It’s not easy to feel responsible for breaking someone’s heart, but know that you’re also processing your own emotions.
Half the battle of initiating a breakup is admitting to yourself that it needs to happen. Trust that what you're doing is in actuality a courageous and loving act.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Deciding whether you should stay or go can be one of the hardest decisions you will ever make in your love life. You can read my blog article and review my three key suggestions if you’re still torn about making this important resolution.
If you need more tips on how to end a relationship, plus helpful advice on how to handle the breakup, you can watch my interview with CTV Your Morning to guide you through this process.
Based on interviews and anecdotes of experts, this book of masterclasses offers invaluable wisdom in learning essential skills, including breaking up with someone (written by yours truly).