The Secret to Real, Drama-Free Love

ATTACHMENT THEORY

January 7, 2020 | Natalia Juarez

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” — Rumi

I’m no stranger to relationship drama. In 2010, I had an engagement end months short of my thirtieth birthday. Over the next five years, I worked with three different therapists, read over 100 relationship books, had astrological and tarot readings, and even hired a life coach for $10,000. I also went on 88 dates (I had a spreadsheet and everything). I was committed to turning my love life around and finding real, lasting love.

I was a woman on a mission.

But not everyone saw it that way. I was called a hopeless romantic, a serial dater, a boyfriend hopper, etc. From the comfort of their own relationships, many people would ask me, "why can't you just be happy alone?"

And although everything I learned was good in theory, it lacked the missing piece that could tie together all of my experiences and link them back to something I could use to improve my love life. 

It wasn’t until after years of searching that I found what had been missing. 

Discovering the Secret to Drama-Free Love

While at a crossroads in my dating life (I told you I was no stranger to drama), I felt like I was still attracted to the wrong people for me and finally asked my therapist—therapist number three at this point—to give me her unfiltered opinion.

In typical therapist fashion, she didn’t give me a straight answer. Instead, she suggested I look into Attachment Theory.

At the bookstore on the way home, I picked up Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and after binge-reading the book, something clicked.

Suddenly, my entire love life made sense. 

My attractions.

My decisions. 

My reactions. 

WHY things all too often got so confusing and messy...

This sent me down a path to a scientific theory that had been the missing piece in what felt like my quest. And once I started learning more about this “secret,” I understood why I had been attracted to all the wrong people, and why I never felt “attracted” to the right ones.

Finally, after heartbreaks and epic relationship failures, I’d found the missing piece in cultivating a fulfilling, healthy, and lasting relationship was in understanding and using Attachment Theory’s principles.

From there, things started falling into place.  

Attachment Theory

If you’ve done any relationship work, you’ve probably learned about the five love languages by Gary Chapman. And although it’s important to understand your love language and that of your partner, Attachment Theory goes so much deeper into explaining the emotional needs and behaviors that both you and your partner display in a relationship with each other—especially when the going gets tough. 

Whereas the five love languages explain how to best give and receive love, Attachment Theory helps explain why we choose the partners we do in the first place. Why it works out (or doesn’t), and what we can do to find long-term relationship fulfillment.

Attachment Theory initially began as a study of the early bond between an infant and caregivers but has since expanded to better understand human attachments into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships, but also with friends and family.

Our attachment styles are formed based on our upbringing, but personality and genetics are equally influential.

The Four Types of Attachment

Essentially, Attachment Theory posits that everyone’s brain is wired for one of four attachment styles—secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant —and these different “operating systems” impact how we behave in romantic relationships.

For this article, I’ll briefly define and give examples of each. To learn more, I highly recommend reading Attached, although there are a few aspects about the book that I’ve found problematic after years of working with this theory (more on that later). 

Secure Attachment, 50%

About 50% of the population is “securely attached.” These people are also called “anchors.” Anchors are well-regulated emotionally, typically have healthy boundaries, communicate well, and feel loveable.

All around, they’re pretty easy-going people who have pretty “normal” love lives. In the right relationship, they feel safe, secure, and loved. 

Secure in this context is not necessarily synonymous with confidence.

When a securely attached person goes through a breakup, they might say something like:

“I’m sad, but I’ll be ok.” 

Avoidant Attachment, 25%

Another 25% or so of the population is “avoidantly attached.” These people are also called “islands.” These people tend to be very independent and self-reliant, have the ability to compartmentalize their emotions, keep love at a distance, and have firm boundaries. 

When someone with avoidant attachment goes through a breakup, they say:

“Next!”

Anxious Attachment, 20%

Another 20-25% of the population are “anxiously attached. They’re also known as “waves” due to their emotional nature. They’re like love addicts. They have a hard time being alone, love to love, don’t always have the best boundaries, and can be loyal to a fault. They tend to be more dramatic, have emotional highs and lows, and are deeply passionate.

They’re often very preoccupied with their relationships, and relationship drama seems to follow them.

When someone with anxious attachment goes through a breakup, they’re devastated and can have debilitating thoughts, like:

I thought this was my soulmate.

What if I never love anyone as much?

I’ll never find love again.

Fearful-Dismissive Attachment, 3-5%

Core Style & Relationship Dynamics

While everyone has a “core style,” — the main style they naturally gravitate to — dynamics within a relationship can vary greatly depending on the circumstances.

For example, when an anxious and an avoidant interact, the result can be a very passionate relationship with a “come here, go away” dynamic. We see this frequently played out in movies because it’s entertaining and oh-so-dramatic—perfect for the big screen.

But this drama quickly gets old in real life.

Although I instantly identified my core style as anxiously-attached, I also realized that I had been quite avoidant with some securely attached men I had dated or been involved with. “My gut” would tell me I wasn’t attracted to them, so I would unconsciously push them away.

I found myself naturally drawn to avoidant men because a part of me craved the familiarity of the push and pull. What felt like “chemistry,” was in fact my activated anxious attachment and dysregulatd nervous system.

I was addicted to the drama.

Through my personal experience and that of hundreds of my clients, I’ve learned that the more attracted you are to someone, the more anxious you’ll be, even if you have a secure attachment style. 

See, even if you have a secure attachment style, a particular person you’re incredibly attracted to may bring out an anxiously attached dynamic in you. This doesn’t change your core style; rather, it indicates a triggering “dynamic” in that particular relationship.

This is where we can get confused.

The authors of Attached put people into these three distinct types and explain that only 3-5% are a mixture of all the styles. Yet, from my experience, many people identify as somewhat “mixed” because they can relate to more than one attachment style depending on the particulars of a relationship dynamic.

That’s why I stress that while we all have a “core" style, other styles can become triggered by a relationship dynamic, a particular person, or a big event like a breakup or divorce. 

Your Attachment Style is a Super Power

Having worked with hundreds of clients using Attachment Theory, I’ve discovered that there is no right or wrong when it comes to attachment styles, and there are benefits of each (yes, even avoidants.)

Attachment-based challenges surface when you are unconscious of your style. 

So many people learn about attachment and assume that secure attachment is the best, anxious styles got a bad hand, and avoidants are, well, the worst of the bunch and should be avoided as romantic partners. 

But this simply isn’t true. People who possess either of the three styles have their own unique gifts, their own superpowers.

I believe there are advantages to both the avoidant and the anxious attachment style as long as you’re in the right relationship, in a healthy environment, and learn to manage your energy accordingly.

For example, anxiously attached types have a wide range of emotions. They’re passionate, hyper-loyal, and naturally help others tap into their feelings, which is an asset. In healthy (secure) relationships, anxious types are creative, expressive, and tapped in emotionally.

And we need avoidants. 

Not everyone can wear their heart on their sleeve, and avoidants operate from an independent, driven place. They tend to be very charismatic and grounded people who can help anxious and secure types gain perspective and emotional balance when in a conscious relationship.

With an awareness of attachment needs and expressions, anxious and avoidant types can be in a complimentary relationship. The important thing is to become aware of your attachment style, so it doesn’t drive you unconsciously as it does for so many.

Once you become aware of your style, you can then do the work to become what is called “Secure Functioning.” 

The Shift Towards Secure Functioning

Through learning all this, working with coaches and therapists, and choosing the right relationship, I can honestly (and happily) state that I’ve become Secure Functioning, even though my core attachment style is anxious.

The truth is, the more securely attached you are in your relationship, the more secure you’ll feel, no matter your style. In all areas of your life.

Your love life can become your safe space.

It’s those triggering factors—the person, the event, the environment —that can bring out those anxious or avoidant tendencies and put a monkey wrench in a relationship, even if it started with two secure partners. 

When I work with clients, we determine their core attachment style and the dynamics that have come up in their relationships.

By cultivating an awareness of their attachment style and that of their partner (or ex), we work together to make the shift toward them becoming Secure Functioning so that both my client and their current (or future) partner can feel safe, secure, and loved in their relationship.