How to Deal with Valentine’s Day Heartbreak, According to a Breakup Coach
Heartbroken this Valentine’s Day?
Name a cockroach after your ex and 7 other tips to get through this blue Valentine’s Day
If you're currently heartbroken or reluctantly single, and the upcoming Valentine’s Day makes you feel worse, you are not alone. I've been there, and so have most people.
In fact, research shows that most people find this hallmark holiday stressful - whether you’re going through a breakup, single, or even in a relationship.
As silly as it might seem to some people, there is such a thing as “Valentine’s Day stress” and it’s associated with increased anxiety, depression, and insomnia. Although I hadn’t heard of this until a few years ago, I wasn’t surprised to hear it existed.
Valentine’s Day is loaded with often unrealistic romantic expectations that can distort our logical thinking and emotional well-being. Simply being aware that Valentine’s Day can have this effect can help you experience the weight of your emotions less personally.
It’s also worth being reminded that being alone on Valentine’s Day (even if you’re heartbroken) is far better than being with the wrong person or in an unhealthy relationship.
And so, if you’re hurting this Valentine’s Day and could use a few ideas to either get you through this hallmark holiday or to help you enjoy it on your own, this article is for you.
The most important thing is to choose to do something that genuinely feels good to you and supports your recovery. Forcing yourself to do something, such as going out when you want to stay in, may only make you feel worse, so keep your own self-preservation your top priority.
MY TOP 8 TIPS
Here are some of my top suggestions, followed by a great list of recommendations from other singles and former singles in my community. Have a read and come up with a Valentine’s Day plan that feels just right for you.
1 - Name a Cockroach After Your Ex
I had to start off with the cheekiest Valentine’s Day idea I’ve ever heard for dealing with a blue Valentine’s day! And yes, this is for real.
Back by popular demand, the San Antonio Zoo is running its third worldwide annual "Cry me a cockroach" fundraiser. For $10 you can purchase a cockroach (or a veggie) and name it after your ex, and then on February 14th, the cockroaches will be fed to hungry birds and reptiles. This short video explains the event.
Last year, I had the pleasure of buying a cockroach for a girlfriend of mine who was in a painful stage of her breakup recovery. We had a good laugh, she felt ever so slightly better, and it was all for a good cause, a total win-win situation!
2 - Celebrate Friends' Valentine's Day (a.k.a. Galentine's Day)
Celebrate as the Latinos do! In Latin America, Valentine's Day is known as "The Love and Friendship Day," which creates an opportunity to celebrate the many loves of our lives.
Spending quality time with your single friends is one of the classic choices for how to spend Valentine’s Day if you’re going through a breakup.
Whether you decide to make it a night out (for drinks, live music, or bowling) or plan on a night in with some take-out, wine, and perhaps a board game, you can’t go wrong with this option.
Also, most cities host events (in-person and online) specifically for singles and the hidden benefit of this option is that the majority of the people at these events will be single!
Events such as these may serve to remind you that you are not alone and that there are a lot of other people who are spending Valentine’s Day without a significant other
And although you may not be in a headspace to meet anyone romantically, you may meet a new friend.
3 - Romance Yourself and Have A Date Night With Yourself
I’m often surprised at how many single people are not in the habit of having regular “date nights” with themselves. It’s as though they’re waiting to be in a relationship to enjoy certain “couple pleasures,” such as trying out a great restaurant or a new recipe, seeing a particular movie, or opening up that special bottle of wine, etc.
The truth is you don't have to wait to be in a relationship to give yourself the love you want, need, and deserve.
In addition to these acts of self-love feeling great on their own, being good to yourself also increases your sense of self-worth because you’re subconsciously communicating to yourself that you are worthy of love and being taken care of and experiencing pleasure.
If doing nice things just for yourself feels unnatural, then this is a great practice to cultivate. And in the future, it will also help you in your dating life because people who take great care of themselves are naturally better in relationships and are more attractive to others.
So go ahead and plan a special date with yourself - make yourself a fancy dinner, light those candles, play the music you love, and don't forget dessert!
4 - Sooth your Nervous System
The physical and emotional impact of heartbreak is often minimized because we’re not able to see the pain, but if you’re living with heartbreak, you know the toll it takes on you.
Getting a massage, taking a bath, or partaking in a similar sensory treatment is a great way to relax your heart, mind, and body, thereby soothing your sympathetic nervous system.
Engage your imagination and breath, and imagine releasing your pent-up pain and distress with each exhale.
5 - Design Your “Dating Plan”
If you sense that a good part of your sadness comes from the fact that you really want to be in a loving relationship, then I encourage you to embrace that desire - even if it’s a bit uncomfortable. Instead of feeling down about your current status, try to reframe these feelings as the fuel motivating you to get out there and do the work to find the love you want.
As a relationship coach, I often compare looking for a relationship to looking for your dream job. You wouldn’t just expect your dream job to magically just happen someday! And yet, this is the passive approach so many people take when looking for arguably the second most important relationship (after the one with yourself.)
Instead, you would be working to get clear on exactly what you’re looking for, and then actively work towards realizing that goal by working on your resume, actively networking, and skilling up for example.
The same goal achievement principles apply to pursuing your relationship goals.
In my practice, I help many of my clients create a “dating plan” (much like a business plan) which includes gaining clarity on their core values, their relationship objectives, and coming up with a concrete game plan that includes both online and offline dating strategies.
Creating a sustainable dating plan is essential if you’re serious about finding a fulfilling relationship, and want to enjoy the process.
You can start by picking up a good book on dating or relationships, or journaling about what really matters to you in your relationship life.
6 - Watch a Movie
As convenient as Netflix is these days, films are an indulgent way to break up our routines and help us escape our looping thoughts and get lost in the stories of others.
Whether you decide to watch a romantic movie that you love, or you decide to watch something completely anti-romantic, you can be sure to find just the right movie to match your mood.
For some movie ideas, check out Rotten Tomatoes’ 100 Romantic Movies of all time, or this great New York Times article on short films to break (and mend) your heart.
7 - Simple Acts of Kindness
Roses and chocolates aside, Valentine’s Day can be as simple as doing something kind for a friend, neighbor, or colleague.
Research shows that the very act of doing something kind for another makes us feel better about ourselves and our circumstances, and helps us to gain a healthier perspective.
8 - Actively Bypass Valentine’s Day Altogether
My last suggestion for how to deal with a breakup during Valentine’s Day, is to bypass it all together, if that is what you honestly want and what would make you feel best.
Each heartbreak is unique, and while some years you may be emotionally comforted by spending time with others or actively doing something for yourself, in other years, you may simply want to treat it just like any other day.
And should that be the case, it’s a completely valid and natural reaction.
You know you best and you have every right to not engage.
WHAT OTHER SINGLES ARE SAYING...
Here are some suggestions from people in my community who were heartbroken and/or singles on Valentine’s Day:
For me, it would be to have a kick-ass workout, followed by a hot shower, and then cozy up with a bottle of red wine and a good chick flick.
Celebrate as the Latinos do! In Latin America, Valentine's Day is known as "The Love and Friendship Day." Do something kind for a friend and appreciate the other great loves of your life.
Bubble bath, meditation, and favorite underwear day.
Love yourself ... I'll let y'all interpret that however, you like.
My best Valentine’s Day ever was when my girls and I went bowling, drank cheap beer, and pigged out on greasy pub food!
WINE! No no....go out with your girlfriends and make it your intention to meet at least one interesting person. Make it fun like a scavenger hunt...it's a fun distraction and who knows what may happen!
Get together with friends, celebrate "anti-Valentine's" day by watching slasher or action movies, lol.
Go on a date with yourself...spend the day at an art museum, do a painting class, or go to the movies.
Romance yourself by making a lovely dinner at home, eating mindfully by candlelight and nice music.
Candlelight meditation. Sit alone and enjoy the company of your Self. The practice of self-love is very powerful.
I am using it to honor all of the healing work I've done. I'm subbing a class for someone in a super sweet relationship because I'm ecstatic to be where I am, not because I'm running (like I used to.) I'm so much more present now so that I know what I want as opposed to being caught up in codependency and hence reactive, mismatched love.
Collect your single friends, host a 'singles only' dinner, followed by an evening of dancing!
However you choose to spend your Valentine's Day weekend, I hope some of these ideas help ease your heartache.
xo,
Natalia
P.S. If you have any other suggestions please comment below and I’ll add them to this running list!
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Each Valentine's Day season, I can’t help but think about all the broken-hearted women and men out there who may be struggling to get through this day. If you’re struggling to get through this Valentine's Day, I hope hearing a bit more about my blue Valentine’s Day will help you feel less alone.
BLOG: Music Therapy
If you love music as much as I do, check out my curated playlists on Spotify. I highly recommend “Scorned” if you’re feeling fiery, or “Love is…”, if you want to tune into the kind of love you want to invite into your life.
WEBSITE: Museum of Broken Relationships
If you’ve never heard of this museum, check out their website or their Instagram. It has great stories to help you feel less alone.
If you’re interested in learning more about working together, click the button below.
Read more about my breakup, recoupling, or dating strategy services
Natalia Juarez | Relationship Coach & Dating Strategist
Natalia Juarez is a breakup coach and dating strategist. After going through a broken engagement in 2010, she became obsessed with reimagining heartbreak as an opportunity for transformation. Today, she helps men and women through the entire spectrum of breakups or divorce—helping them recover, initiate a separation, win an ex back, and find new love.
She's been featured in publications worldwide, including Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, GQ, The Guardian, Vice Media, NPR, among major Canadian media.