The Secret to Drama-Free Love
Alexander Milov, “Love”
I’m no stranger to relationship drama. Over ten years ago, when I had an engagement end before my thirtieth birthday, I turned to therapy, worked with dating coaches, and started reading all I could about what could have gone wrong—and what I could do to make it right. I was committed to turning my love life around.
I vowed I would not repeat the heartache and the drama of my 20s in my 30s.
Over the next five years, I went on 88 dates (I had a spreadsheet and everything), read over a 100 relationship books, worked with three different therapists, had astrological and tarot readings, and even hired a life coach for $10,000.
I was a woman on a mission.
But not everyone saw it that way. I was called a serial dater, a boyfriend hopper, and god knows what else. From the comfort of their own relationships, many people would ask me, "why can't you just be happy alone?"
And although everything I learned was good in theory, it lacked the missing piece that could tie together all of my experiences and link them back to something I could use to improve my love life.
It wasn’t until after years of searching that I found what had been missing.
Discovering the Secret to Drama-Free Love
While at a crossroads in my dating life (I told you I was no stranger to drama), I felt like I was still attracted to the wrong people for me and finally asked my therapist—therapist number three at this point—to give me some under-the-table advice. I wanted to know her personal opinion: Which should I do?
In typical therapist fashion, she didn’t give me a straight answer. Instead, she told me to look into Attachment Theory.
At the bookstore on the way home, the first book I found on the subject was Attached by Dr. Amir Levine, and after binge-reading the book over a weekend, something clicked.
Suddenly, my entire love life made sense.
My decisions.
My reactions.
My attractions.
WHY things had gotten so confusing and messy...
This sent me down a path to a scientific theory that was the missing piece in what felt like my quest. And once I started learning more about this “secret,” I understood why I had been attracted to all the wrong people, and why I never felt “attracted” to the right ones.
Finally, after heartbreaks and epic relationship failures, I figured it out. The missing piece in cultivating a healthy, stable, and lasting relationship was in understanding and using Attachment Theory’s principles.
From there, things started falling into place...
Attachment Theory
If you’ve done any personal development or relationship work, you’ve probably learned about the five love languages. And although it’s important to understand your love language and that of your partner, Attachment Theory goes so much deeper into explaining the behaviors that both you and your partner display in a relationship with each other—especially when the going gets tough.
Whereas The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman explains how to best give and receive love, Attachment Theory helps explain why we choose the partners we do in the first place, why it works out (or doesn’t), and what we can do to find long-term relationship harmony.
Attachment Theory initially began as a study of the early bond between infant and mother but has since expanded to better understand human attachments into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships, but also with friends and family.
The theory is that our attachment style is formed based upon our upbringing, but equally important is personality and genetics.
Essentially, Attachment Theory posits that everyone’s brain is wired for one of three attachment styles—secure, anxious, or avoidant—and this explains how we behave in romantic relationships.
The Three Types of Attachment
The three types of attachment are secure, anxious, and avoidant. For this article, I’ll briefly define and give examples of each. To learn more, I highly recommend reading Attached, although there are a few things in the book that I find a bit problematic (more on that later).
Secure Attachment
About 50% of the population is “securely attached.” These people are sometimes called “anchors.” Anchors are pretty well-regulated emotionally, typically have healthy boundaries, communicate well, and feel loveable. All-around, they’re pretty easy-going people who have pretty “normal” love lives. In the right relationship, they feel safe, secure, and loved.
Secure in this context is not necessarily synonymous with confidence, and it doesn’t imply that one who is not securely attached is insecure, in a general sense.
When a securely attached person goes through a breakup, they might say something like:
“I’m sad, but I’ll be ok.”
Avoidant Attachment
Another 25% or so of the population has an avoidant attachment style. These people tend to be very independent, have the ability to compartmentalize their emotions, keep love at a distance, and have strong boundaries.
When someone with avoidant attachment goes through a breakup, they say:
“Next!”
Anxious Attachment
Another 25% or so of the population has more of an anxious attachment style. They’re like love addicts, they have a hard time being alone, love to love, don’t always have the best boundaries, and can be loyal to a fault. They tend to be more dramatic and have emotional highs and lows, and are wildly passionate.
They’re often very preoccupied with their relationships and relationship drama seems to follow them.
When someone with anxious attachment goes through a breakup, they’re devastated and can have debilitating thoughts, like:
“I thought this was my soulmate. I’ll never find love again.”
Core Style & Dynamics
Everyone has a “core style,” but that’s not to say that the dynamics within a relationship can’t change depending on what may be “activating” in someone.
For example, when an anxious and an avoidant interact, the result can be a very passionate relationship with a “come here, go away” dynamic. We see this frequently played out in movies because it’s entertaining and oh-so-dramatic—perfect for the big screen.
But this drama quickly gets old in real life.
Although I immediately identified my core style as anxiously-attached, I also realized that I had been quite avoidant with some men I had dated or been involved with. For example, “my gut” would tell me I wasn’t attracted to some (secure) men, so I was avoidant with them. This, in turn, made me more attractive to these secure types.
I found myself naturally drawn to avoidant men because a part of me craved that chemistry (which is just anxious attachment), that push and pull.
I was addicted to the drama.
Through my personal experience and that of hundreds of my clients, I learned that the more attracted you are to someone, the more anxious you’ll be, even if you have a secure attachment style.
This is where we get confused.
See, even if you have a secure attachment style, a particular person you’re incredibly attracted to may bring out an anxious attachment dynamic in you. This doesn’t change your core style; rather, it just indicates a triggered dynamic in that particular relationship.
The authors of Attached put people into these three distinct types and explain that only 3-5% are mixed. Yet, from my experience, 80% of people identify as being “mixed” because they can relate to more than one attachment style depending on the particulars of a relationship dynamic.
That’s why I stress that while we have a core style, anxious or avoidant behavior can become triggered with a certain relationship dynamic, a particular person, or a big event like a breakup.
Your Attachment Style is a Super Power
Having worked with hundreds of clients using Attachment Theory, I have discovered that there is no right or wrong when it comes to attachment styles, and there are benefits of each (yes, even avoidants.)
Attachment based challenges surface when you are unconscious of your style.
So many people learn about attachment and assume that secure attachment is the best, anxious/wave styles got a bad hand, and avoidants are, well, the worst of the bunch and should be avoided as romantic partners.
But this simply isn’t true. People who possess either of the three styles have their own unique gifts, their own superpowers.
I believe there are advantages to both the avoidant and the anxious attachment style as long as you’re in the right relationship, in a healthy environment, and learn to manage your energy accordingly.
For example, anxious attachment types have a very high range of emotions. They’re passionate, hyper-loyal, and help others tap into their feelings, too, which is an asset. In a healthy environment, anxious types are creative, expressive, and tapped in emotionally.
And we need avoidants.
Not everyone can wear their heart on their sleeve, and avoidants operate from an independent, driven place. They tend to be very charismatic and grounded people who can help anxious and secure types gain perspective and emotional balance when in a conscious relationship.
With an awareness of attachment types, anxious and avoidants types can be in a complimentary relationship. The important thing is to determine your attachment style so it doesn’t drive you unconsciously as it does for so many.
Once you become aware of it, you can then do the work to become what is called “Secure Functioning.”
The Shift Towards Secure Functioning
Through learning all of this, working with coaches and therapists, and choosing the right relationship, I can honestly (and happily) state that I’ve become Secure Functioning, even though my core attachment style is anxious.
The truth is, the more securely attached you are in your relationship, the more secure you’ll feel, no matter your style. In all areas of your life.
Your love life can become your safe space.
It’s those triggering factors—the person, the event, the environment —that can bring out those anxious or avoidant tendancies and put a monkey wrench in a relationship, even if it started with two secure partners.
When I work with clients, we determine their core attachment style and the dynamics that have come up in their relationships.
By cultivating an awareness of their attachment style and that of their partner (or ex), we make the shift toward becoming Secure Functioning so that both my client and their current (or future) partner can feel safe, secure, and loved in relationships.