Surviving My Worst Christmas Ever
If you’re feeling heartbroken this holiday season, I hope hearing about my worst Christmas (and New Year’s) offers you some support, hope, and lightness. You are not alone.
Originally written December 2014 | Updated December 2023
Everyone has blue Christmases, that's life. I remember Christmas 2003 being hard, and so was 2006, come to think of it. But the one that most definitely stands out as the absolute worst was the holiday season of 2010 when I went through a devastating breakup and broken engagement.
Not only was I grieving the loss of my relationship, my home, and all of the hopes and dreams we had, but I was also mourning the fact that I was just months away from turning 30. I felt utterly overwhelmed by the idea of having to start my life all over again.
I'd been through a big breakup year before, so I knew I had a hard road ahead.
But first, I had to survive the holidays.
Although there’s never really a good time to feel heartbroken, I believe holiday breakups can be some of the worst. There’s just something about the spirit of the season that makes heartache that much more painful. It's like you feel things twice as intensely over the holidays—the good and the bad.
Now I know not all breakups are created equal, so to be clear, the kind I'm describing here is the devastating, gut-wrenching kind, the type of heartache that the saddest of the sad love songs are written about.
Including the song that inspired this blog.
MOVING-OUT - December 2010
This afternoon, I was home preparing for Christmas. My little Charlie Brown tree was lit up, the holiday radio station was playing in the background, and I was wrapping up some gifts.
As I was humming along to Elvis' rendition of "Blue Christmas", I suddenly realized it was exactly four years to the day, on the Sunday before Christmas, when I moved out just weeks after my broken engagement.
That last weekend before Christmas, when most people I knew were busy running around the city taking care of last-minute errands, I’d spent the weekend taking apart the home my ex-fiance and I had so thoughtfully created.
Moreover, I did it all mostly alone because I didn’t want to impose on my friends or family. I went room by room in tears, leaving the bedroom for last.
It was absolutely awful, the kind of experience I wouldn't wish on anyone.
At one point, I called my parents, hoping that hearing their voices might help me feel better. My dad answered cheerfully and asked how I was doing.
What? I was shocked and said, "Um, well, I'm... I'm terrible, actually. I'm moving out this weekend. Did you forget?" His silence confirmed my parents had indeed forgotten.
I was so hurt that I blurted out, "Why does no one get it? I feel like I'm going through a divorce!"
I could hear tears in his voice as we said our goodbyes, which only made me feel worse.
Looking back now, I can better understand that my parents, who have been married for nearly 50 years, simply couldn't relate to what I was going through at the time.
It was one of the hardest days of my life.
CHRISTMAS EVE - 2010
The week that followed didn’t get any easier.
At my family Christmas, I remember putting on a brave face and telling myself I just had to get through this day without totally breaking down. I didn't want to ruin Christmas for my family.
I remember there was no mention of my now "ex-fiancé," but the ghost of our relationship was present. There was a heartbreaking moment when I realized the table had been set with one too many settings. I removed it without a word, blinking back tears.
In a moment of weakness, I made the mistake of texting my ex. I had convinced myself that texting the man I had planned to marry was a good idea, to wish him and his family that I adored a merry Christmas.
Yet, the text exchange was brief and cold, making my heart heavier.
Several times throughout the evening, I would steal a private moment in a bathroom to collect myself. I would take a few deep breaths to calm down, look into the mirror at my teary eyes, and tell myself everything would be okay.
NEW YEAR'S EVE - 2011
As if getting through Christmas isn't hard enough, the fact that it's followed so closely by New Year's can feel cruel.
Even on a good year, New Year's is a holiday that naturally stirs up a wide range of heavy emotions, including those of melancholy - quite possibly the worst ingredient to throw into the mix of a broken heart.
Breakups can make us crazy, and the way I rang in 2011 proved I was struggling with my new reality.
That said, I now look back with mild amusement, remembering how I danced the night away in a little dive bar in Korea Town on a third date with a magician I'd met online.
Yup, that's right.
I got right back out there and told myself I was ready to date just a few weeks after my engagement ended.
I can now understand that my anxious attachment style had been activated by the breakup, and I was desperately trying to minimize my heartache by replacing my loss.
It was definitely not the healthiest way to deal with my grieving heart, but it was all I could do at the time to tolerate the profound loneliness I felt.
Let's just say I could have used a breakup coach at the time. If only they existed back then.
FAST FORWARD
Years later, it's fascinating to reflect on how far I've come since that blue Christmas of 2010.
With time, I now have the luxury of perspective, and I can appreciate the many precious gifts I received that lonely winter.
In addition to discovering my calling—to help the brokenhearted navigate their own heartache—I discovered my resilience and learned to love and take care of myself in a profound way.
I can appreciate now that the unraveling of my engagement completely broke me open and was the perfect catalyst I needed for my life to come back together in a way that I would not trade for anything now.
Thank goodness for that blue Christmas!
If you have the blues this holiday season, I sincerely wish you find some peace, hope, and maybe even a little joy this time of the year.
Trust that this breakup doesn't have to happen to you, it can happen for you.
Your heart will heal, you will be better than okay, and life is still beautiful.
Believe in love,
Natalia
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
Whether you’re hurting over your past or current relationship this holiday season, remember that you are not alone. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Here are a few related resources for you:
The Ultimate Holiday Breakup Survival Guide
For as joyful as the time of the year can be, it can also be equally painful for those whose hearts are aching. This ultimate guide will help ease holiday heartbreak.
Breakup Music Therapy
Whether you're nursing a broken heart or you're simply a music lover, these playlists are for anyone who’s loved, lost, and loved again. This collection of breakup playlists has been carefully crafted to go along with the 3 phases of a breakup: deep sadness, anger, and empowerment. My clients tell me these collections help them to feel less alone.
My Winter Blues playlist was curated for anyone having a blue Christmas. It’s a mix of traditional breakup holiday songs, some obscure/indie tracks, and mellow renditions of holiday classics to match your blue mood..
Gifts for the Broken Hearted: A Gift Guide
This curated guide is for anyone who’s feeling brokenhearted. I encourage you to use some of the ideas offered here to do something nice for yourself as an act of self-love or for someone you know who’s going through heartache.
How am I doing now? 11 beautiful years later...
In 2017, after hearing my backstory, Scott Simon asked me in an NPR interview, "So, how are you doing now?"
I was somewhat surprised by the concern I could hear in his voice.
However, I now understand that, due to the nature of my work, people are often curious about how things worked out for me after so much heartache.
After recovering from the fallout of my broken engagement, I went on to date a lot over the following five years, and I mean a lot: 88 first dates to be exact.
In 2015, I met an incredible man with whom I discovered what real, healthy, secure love was. Today we are best friends, our relationship is stronger than ever, and we will be getting married in 2024!
Although we have our challenges, they feel like the right kind of obstacles that every relationship encounters. We work through them with love, respect, and compassion. Our relationship has a sense of flow that makes our love feel easy.
I'm wise enough now to know that I don't know what the future will bring, so I'm grateful for where I am now and know that I can get through anything life (and love) sends my way.
My mission is to pay this forward and help others through their challenges in love and support them in attracting real, healthy love after loss.
Natalia Juarez | CPP, BAH, BEd
Natalia Juarez is a relationship coach specializing in grief-informed breakup recovery and dating strategy. After going through a broken engagement in 2010, she became obsessed with reimagining heartbreak as an opportunity for transformation. Today, she helps men and women through the entire spectrum of breakups or divorce—helping them recover from heartbreak, initiate a separation, win an ex back, and find new love.
She's been featured in publications worldwide, including Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, GQ, The Guardian, Vice Media, NPR, among major Canadian media.
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