The Ultimate Holiday Breakup Survival Guide
Although there's never a good time to go through a breakup, holiday heartache has got to be some of the worst.
In 2014, I shared a blog about my worst Christmas ever right after my engagement ended. Since then, I've received an overwhelming response from men and women worldwide who could relate to the pain of a holiday breakup.
As a breakup coach, I can’t help but think about those struggling with heartache around the holidays. For as joyful as this time of year can be, it can also be equally painful for those whose hearts are aching. The overwhelming festive spirit, the season's nostalgia, and the emphasis on being with the ones you love can intensify heartache.
Yet, as much as this time can hurt, practical strategies can ease holiday heartache.
This guide is for anyone navigating romantic grief during the holidays, offering practical advice and providing solace and support to you, or someone you care about. Helping you feel more understood and less alone, and helping you find small moments of joy this holiday season.
I've curated this advice from years of working with people who have not only survived painful holiday breakups but have gone on to thrive in their love lives.
12 Tips for Dealing with Holiday Heartache
1. Know You Are Not Alone
If you get anything from this guide, let it be that you are not alone in your holiday heartache and that it's okay to feel sad over the holidays.
The truth is, we all have blue Christmases at one point or another.
As you read through this article (perhaps while listening to my Winter Blues playlist on Spotify), you'll understand that most people have been where you are at one point or another.
You can find support and comfort in talking to friends and family or joining an online community of people also going through breakups. Simply knowing that others understand what you're going through can provide a sense of connection and help you feel less alone during this difficult time.
SOCIAL MEDIA TIP: On Christmas Day, you can follow the hashtag #JoinIn on Twitter to connect with people from all over the world who are struggling with feelings of sadness or loneliness. Comedian Sarah Millican began this initiative ten years ago, and it's still going strong.
2. Whatever You Do, Don't Text Your Ex
It's natural to be tempted to reach out to your ex over the holidays, especially if you spent prior Christmases together.
From working with my clients who have desperately wanted to reach out to their exes (to my own experiences), I understand. The holidays are a nostalgic time, and the overwhelming sense of longing can impair your judgment.
The temptation to send a "harmless" holiday message is an act of "bargaining" as a part of the grief process.
Don't do it.
While it may temporarily make you feel better, that will quickly fade, and you'll most likely feel even worse in the long term.
3. Manage Uncomfortable Conversations
Handling post-breakup inquiries gracefully is an art.
Anticipate the inevitable questions because you know it's going to happen. Someone — a co-worker, an aunt, or maybe even grandma — is going to inevitably ask questions – whether it's the classic, "Where's so-and-so?" or the dreaded, "Why are you still single?"
You'll have to find a tactful way to manage these uncomfortable conversations. Even if they feel utterly insensitive, it's unlikely anyone is intentionally trying to be hurtful.
The most likely reason someone may be asking you awkward questions (or not saying anything at all) is simply that most well-intentioned people don't know how to handle these sorts of uncomfortable situations.
If someone does ask about your relationship situation and you'd rather not delve into details, tactfully deflect and redirect the conversation by having a few prepared responses to wrap up the conversation. For example, something like, "Yes, it's been hard. We just grew apart. Anyway, Let's shift gears —how about those Raptors?"
Hopefully, they'll get the hint and move on.
However, if they don't, you may have to politely assert a boundary by calmly stating that you appreciate their thoughts and don't want to talk about it. You can say, "I appreciate your concern, but I'd rather not discuss it. How's [redirecting topic]?"
Remember, you're not being rude. You're taking care of yourself, your number one priority when recovering from heartbreak.
4. Take Charge of Your Social Calendar
There's a good chance your social life may be quieter without your ex-partner. Ensure your holiday calendar stays as active as you’d like it by planning ahead. However you decide to spend your holidays, don't leave your plans to the last minute...or to chance.
Don't isolate yourself - It's okay if you don't want to celebrate, but resist the temptation to isolate yourself. After a breakup, it's natural to feel alone and withdraw and not feel like attending social gatherings, but connecting with others is essential when you suddenly feel disengaged from the security of a relationship.
Have a plan and be proactive - Take the initiative and organize events with your friends or family to visit a Christmas market, see a movie, or attend a comedy show. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, consider planning a vacation with your (single) friends. Or, if you feel like spending time alone, make sure it's intentional.
Spend time with Supportive People - Opt to spend time with people you don't have to put a brave face for - understanding loved ones who’ll be considerate of your broken heart and allow you to be your genuine self.
Navigate Social Commitments - If you have a few parties you were supposed to attend with your ex, decide whether you'll go on your own or see if a friend will come along as a plus one.
No matter the event, have an “exit strategy” for events you find emotionally taxing. As much as you can try your best to plan ahead and practice mindfulness and self-care, holiday gatherings can be triggering. You can always steal a moment away in a bathroom if needed. Text an understanding friend, take ten deep breaths, and remind yourself everything will be okay.
Remember, just because you may feel lonely doesn't mean you have to be alone.
5. Don’t Open the Ex Files
I can't tell you how often I hear of people burning out their loved ones by talking endlessly about their breakup, divorce, or heartache.
I can't tell you how often I hear of people burning out their loved ones by talking endlessly about their breakup, divorce, or heartache.
Try to be mindful of how much you share with your friends or family, especially over the holidays. Otherwise, the unpleasant topic may unintentionally dominate your conversations.
Interestingly, my clients often tell me that they're disappointed or frustrated with the seeming lack of support they get from their friends and family. And while it's completely understandable to feel hurt, the reasons for this behavior are varied.
Understand that friends and family may struggle to offer support for various reasons such as:
they may not know what to say or do
they may fear saying the wrong thing
they may also be sad about the breakup (they may have lost a relationship too)
or they may find it challenging to empathize with how deeply you're hurting.
While disappointing, try as best you can, try to commit to yourself that you'll focus on being present. And try to remember that spending quality time with your loved ones is at the heart of the holidays.
6. Taking Care of the Hard Things
If you're going through a holiday breakup, there may be difficult but practical things that need to be taken care of.
Whether it's something small—like returning a gift or canceling an RSVP or dinner plans, or something big, like breaking the news to your family or relocating (like I did)—take a deep breath and know you can handle it all.
Manage overwhelm by creating a simple plan and working your way down your to-do list, tackling tasks one at a time.
Acting promptly will help to alleviate some of the stress of the many things pulling at your attention, and if need be, don't hesitate to seek support from a caring friend if needed. You've got this.
7. Deal with Your Social Media
Social media has undoubtedly made breakups harder. Whether it's your ex posting a cryptic post, the fact that they viewed your Instagram story, or who they're newly following — I've heard it all.
As a general rule, especially immediately after a breakup, it's best to stay off (or at least limit) any social media activity that you find triggering.
Opening Instagram and stumbling across a photo of your ex enjoying the holidays or celebrating with a new partner won't help you. Even if you've blocked them, unexpected posts—like a family picture shared by your ex's sister—can catch you off guard. Be mindful of the emotional impact and limit exposure to such content for your well-being.
Steering clear of social media is wise due to its unpredictability and how little information there is to go on. It's far too easy to concoct worst-case scenarios that our minds can ruminate on.
Remember, if it hurts you in any way, don't do it.
TIP #1: Practice mindfulness - If you're having difficulty abstaining from social media, tune in to how you feel when scrolling online. If it makes you feel anxious, pay attention to the sensory experience in your body. This is somatic feedback on the impact of this behavior on your physiology.
TIP #2: Swap your habit - Replace the time you spend on the triggering platform with another platform or activity. For example, many of my clients have had success by replacing Instagram with Pinterest, a news source, or even reading a book if they needed to stay away from their phones altogether.
8. Take Care of You
It's okay to put yourself first and care for yourself when you're heartbroken. It's essential for your healing.
This is especially true during the holidays when there's a strong focus on socializing and fulfilling commitments to others.
Yes, of course, you'll have obligations — work, family, friends, etc. — but you can trust that the people who care about you most will understand that you need to prioritize yourself and your healing.
This can include activities that allow you to relax and rejuvenate, such as reading a book, binge-watching a series, taking a warm shower, etc.
Self-care can help you cope with the stress and emotional pain of the breakup, and it's also a powerful reminder that you are worthy and deserving of love and care, even if your relationship has ended. It plays a key role in rebuilding confidence and self-esteem that may be shaken after a difficult breakup.
For your well-being, focus on fundamental health pillars—healthy eating, moderate exercise, and ample rest. Though seemingly simple, caring for your physical health is a vital step in healing a broken heart, and the best part is, that it's entirely within your control.
9. Feel It All
Yes, dealing with heartache is hard - but it doesn't hurt forever. Remember, healing takes time.
Naturally, many try to navigate the pain through various distractions, both healthy and unhealthy. However, facing and processing emotional pain is essential for genuine healing; avoiding this process is not a sustainable solution. That said, as hard as it may be to sit with your emotional pain, processing your feelings is necessary for your healing.
You cannot emotionally bypass the process of heartache.
Emotional intelligence theory highlights that all emotions have functions and benefits, even the challenging ones. If you allow yourself the time and space to feel and validate all of your feelings — whether sadness, anger, or fear — gradually, the intensity of these emotions will dissolve, lessening their grip over time.
Each emotion, including the difficult ones, serves a purpose. For instance, sadness can deepen our connection with ourselves and foster a profound connection with others when we receive support. Resist the urge to cope through overeating or overdrinking, as these actions merely mask feelings without addressing the underlying causes.
PRACTICE: SET A TIMER — If it's hard to be with your emotions, try this simple exercise. Set a timer for 10-20 minutes, dedicating this time to engage with all your emotions fully. Whether through journaling, wallowing in your feelings, crying, or simply resting, immerse yourself in the experience. Let your thoughts and feelings flow through you. When the timer concludes, take three cleansing deep breaths, intentionally releasing the difficult emotions. Then, carry on with your day.
10. Give Back
It's natural to get stuck in your own narrative during heartbreak, fixating on personal struggles.
One of the most impactful and underrated practices for heartbreak recovery is to get in the spirit of giving back and engaging in activities beyond oneself.
Immersing oneself in acts of kindness, whether it's being of service to your friends and family or getting out into your community, giving back is guaranteed to uplift spirits and improve your mood, particularly during the holiday season.
The documented psychological health benefits of generosity extend beyond mere feel-good moments. Giving back is a powerful source of healing and personal growth during challenging times. Remember, the act of giving goes beyond temporary relief—it fosters resilience and a positive outlook, contributing to a more complete and enduring recovery.
To incorporate this practice, select a person or cause that resonates with you and explore various avenues for giving, whether through time, financial support, or dedicated effort.
Here are thoughtful ideas for giving back to individuals:
Write a heartfelt holiday card
Donate to a charity that's dear to their hearts in their name
Make something homemade, such as cookies or bread
For community-focused contributions, consider:
Volunteering with a charity
Donating to a toy drive
Providing a meal for a family in need
Collecting non-perishable food for a food drive
Collecting warm clothing for the homeless
11. Invite Joy Through Simple Pleasures
Despite the weight of heartbreak, that doesn't mean you can't experience moments of joy, however small or simple.
While it may initially seem challenging amidst overwhelming negative emotions, joy can exist side-by-side with sadness. It can even be healthy.
I once heard that enjoyment in life can't be forced, but it can be invited. So take heart in knowing that your role is to be open to welcoming moments of joy and happiness, understanding that they can complement, rather than erase, the depth of your emotions.
Here are some ideas to intentionally invite joy into your life during challenging times:
Write thoughtful holiday cards
Watch a variety of holiday movies, including the really cheesy Hallmark ones
Visit a Christmas market with a friend to enjoy the festive atmosphere
Take a calming walk or drive to enjoy seeing Christmas lights
Bake or cook for loved ones
Savor a festive cocktail (or two)
If some cherished holiday traditions feel too difficult this year, consider skipping them or sharing the experience with a loved one. Additionally, creating new traditions can be both a helpful and enjoyable way to build new memories.
12. Understand You're Wired for Love
Heartbreak can seemingly hijack your thoughts and emotions, and there's good reason for this. We're biologically hardwired for love through our attachment system, a primal survival mechanism deeply embedded in our nature.
Neurologically, here's what happens to us when we love and lose.
Romantic love initiates the release of a potent "feel-good" cocktail of brain chemicals starring three pivotal players:
Oxytocin: Dubbed the "love hormone," helps us form emotional bonds with others.
Dopamine: Associated with pleasure and reward, creating a sense of euphoria.
Serotonin: Regulating mood is intricately linked to feelings of happiness and contentment.
According to Dr. Mike Dow, a breakup disrupts the regular supply of these neurotransmitters, triggering a state of neurological withdrawal. The resulting deficit in these crucial chemicals can make us feel anxious, depressed, and isolated.
Understanding the biological underpinnings of "love withdrawal" can allow us to approach our emotions with greater insight and self-compassion.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES
I hope this article has been helpful for you or a loved one who is hurting this holiday season. I've been there, and so have hundreds of my clients. You’ll get past this and be better for it in the long term, but be kind to your wounded heart in the short term.
Here are a few other resources for you:
BLOG: Surviving My Worst Christmas Ever
In 2014, I shared a very personal blog about my worst Christmas ever, the one right after my engagement ended. Since then, I've received an overwhelming response from men and women worldwide who could relate to the pain of a holiday breakup.
PLAYLIST: The Winter Blues on Spotify
I curated my Winter Blues playlist for anyone having a blue Christmas. It's a mix of traditional breakup holiday songs, obscure/indie tracks, and mellow renditions of holiday classics to match your blue mood. More than anything, I hope that these tracks will help you feel less alone.
GUIDE: Gifts for the Broken Hearted
Witnessing someone you care about nursing a broken heart can be extremely difficult, and often we feel helpless. That said, there are little and big things you can do during this difficult time to ease someone’s heartache. Sometimes even a kind word can mean more than you think. I hope that this unique gift guide can give you some thoughtful ideas.
Would you like to discuss working through your breakup with dignity?
Read more about my breakup, recoupling, or dating strategy services
Natalia Juarez | Breakup Coach & Dating Strategist
Natalia Juarez is a breakup coach and dating strategist. After going through a broken engagement in 2010, she became obsessed with reimagining heartbreak as an opportunity for transformation. Today, she helps men and women through the entire spectrum of breakups or divorce—helping them recover, initiate a separation, win an ex back, and find new love.
She's been featured in publications worldwide, including Good Morning America, The Wall Street Journal, GQ, The Guardian, Vice Media, NPR, among major Canadian media.
